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| Achoo!! Love Sickness *Cough* |
| 12.29.03 (7:04 pm) [edit] |
Know that flu thats been going around? Yeah well I caught it. Had a fever, the runny nose, the floating head, the screw driven in temples..still alive and kicking Im happy to report :lol: and thats not all either..
But I went to work anyways...Wasnt too bad..So whatever..
Anyways...as I was writing my last blog I was messaged by someone..
"Loves a bitch isnt it? "
:oops: "Yeah it is.." I replied..
The conversation kept rolling each word I read making me feel heavier and heavier.. I was afraid more than anything not knowing what was going to be said next..What was going to happen next. Then that feeling in my chest hit me..I began to feel a pit in my stomach develop..A ton of bricks hit me.
Love has the power to lift, crush, and amaze.
*Sigh* I just wish I could understand myself in this subject. Stop myself when Im about to screw up or say something stupid.. Yet I find myself sometimes rambling and I need to be stopped so I ramble on longer and longer til I am told to shut up..What if we could have control in love???
..It wouldnt be half as interesting.
Isnt that a scary thought? And yet a grand thought..suprises can be good also..
Well at least I think so.
Here I am rambling again like a silly little school girl.. I dont know what Im feeling, lost again, caught in the undertow..all I hope is that he feels the same way too..
[image]OoLostEntity_84668 7344.jpg[/image]
Yours,
Aimee
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| To Post Or Not To Post |
| 12.27.03 (4:00 pm) [edit] |
Had to work today..Havent been home too long, just a bit over the hour now..
My job was so sad today.. No one was calling in, and yesterday.. Ha ha ha ha haaaa.. I got the people in my section to do the wave as we all stood up in our cubicles waiting for calls to come in..Sometimes I can swear I am still five.. doesnt matter I had fourty year olds doing it with me, so I dont feel too bad 8)
Last night was a Friday night..I stayed home, had to work today so I didnt want to go to work too exhausted..Yet I exhausted myself to sleep anyways..Im so used to having insomnia that I keep forgetting that if I actually laid down Id actually fall asleep..
If theres anything in life that stays the same its change..
Kinda busy.. So Im gonna blog later..
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| 5 New Pics |
| 12.26.03 (5:16 pm) [edit] |
I was bored and uploaded 5 new pics to my site.. In the Aug-Dec 2003 album..
http://groups.msn.com/ThePalette/pictures" title="http://groups.msn.com/ThePalette/pictures" target="_blank"http://groups.msn.com/ThePale...
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| The Morning After |
| 12.26.03 (11:21 am) [edit] |
Yeah I am work, and no I cant be on messenger at work before I start getting complaints.. :lol:
Anyways.. As for my vida loca..
Christmas was cool we spent it as a family..Yes we had food on the table..Yes we had a roof over our head..No we didnt have a Christmas tree nor did we have any presents.. But you know what Im alive and well! Can you believe it! YEAH !
:roll:
So today I am at work healthy, smiling, dancing, enjoying my life because thats the best that I can do..
Had a few cards on my desk from when I was out some cookies and got a CD from my secret santa..Yeah! and who can beat the Hooters wings someone brought in.. Im a sucker for WANGS with blue cheese. So much for the calories I burned on this mornings run..:?
In January I am taking a vacation as a gift to myself and I deserve it..Only I dont know where to go..Anyone got any suggestions out there? I told the ma dukes and she was all " Disfrute tu vida hija" ..Enjoy life!
Oh yes and congrats to me I've quit smokin'. Earlier this year I quit for about 5 mths..then little by little began to smoke again..Theres no point in me smoking Im not a heavy smoker anyways ( about 2 ciggies a day).. Think Ive been bored all along..
Pondering the thought of my new years resolutions now..Im already on a good track so far ..
Having a positive attitude totally helps when your on the downs too long. Im so over that. I plan on staying on my cloud firm, even when the wind gusts up and tries to knock me off..
Blogya laters !
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| The Longest Day Ever |
| 12.23.03 (4:15 pm) [edit] |
So yet again today I had the day off..
However I didnt sleep in like planned, I still woke up at 6 to take my dad to work..came home, slept for an hour, and drove my mom to the hospital for chemo treatment two. Oh and on top of that I saw my x-boyfriend,
:x , whatever..
I hate that hospital, they have no coordination nor enough space to handle all the sick people that come into it.. I arrived there with my mom for her appt at 9:45 am.. Where it was go here, go there, wait here..
For the past two days I have been plotting the plans of my escape, my release. For one thing today I had even more to think about.
Finally around 1:30 they called us in to the chemo room.
I had heard about chemo but I didnt picture it being the way it was.. They take you into a large hospital room where there used to be beds that have now been replaced with recliners.
Depressing christmas music is playing.. All the patients are in there recliners sleeping under their blankets and hooked up to their lil machines that are pumping god knows what concoction into their bloodstream.
Bald, pale, skinny, fragile. Cancer is one malicious killer.
Then they led us on to my moms recliner where she sat and got covered with a blank and I sat next her in a chair..She asked me to take a nap and I leaned myself over my chair and placed my head on the armrest and fell asleep.. I woke up to my mom stroking my hair.. I didnt care who was watching. She is my mom and she loves me and she will always love me no matter what I do..
Shes a real trip too, there was a TV and a VCR nearby and she wanted me to pop in Titanic for her, I love the way she always tries and makes everything seem like its going to be ok.
One day when I am a mother I wish for that gift.
So anyways, while we are sitting there talking I cant help and look around the room unto the other patients, where were their families? their sons and daughters? wives and husbands? I know I wouldnt be able to bare this sickness alone.
People make people stronger. Life just tries to test you once and a while to see if you pass..
Anyways these kind of thoughts were evoked from someone who spent seven and a half hours at a hospital in waiting..
Perhaps I'll post later. :wink:
P.S= Thanks for making me download this song Stuart its getting me through the rest of my day now :idea:
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| Too much of a ball and chained heart for some people |
| 12.22.03 (11:11 am) [edit] |
*sigh*
Another one bites the dust.
Come on buy your ticket men, step right up, next one to ride get in line, for this lovely ladies heart is set to get twisted and bent time after time.
I give a fair warning, Im not an easy person to be with. Right from the start I let them know. I am truly tainted. Been hurt in many more ways than I can even count. Ive been abused both mentally and physically, cheated on, led on, used and neglected.
Im usually so right about things I frighten myself. I wish I was wrong most of the time but I can see things coming at me from miles and miles away. Truly a gift and more certain my curse. I see myself as more of a challenge and obstacle more than something worth attaining.
Someone said not to long ago that they were lucky, and when asked what they were lucky about, they said lucky to have me. I never agreed with them and now I guess they agree more with me than I ever wanted them to.
I love too much, give too much, say too much.
I overwhelm all.
Deep down in the core of me I KNOW I could be the best thing in anyones life, if they ever gave me a chance to, if they ever were strong enough to roughen this out with me and give it a bit. Lately they give up and in all honesty I dont blame them, I dont know if I could hang with it myself, but dang Id hang in there if it was worth it. I guess Im not to some people.
I'm not perfect, but god I am good, so good, so giving so loving.. I could treat a man as a king, and I have a few times and it still doesnt get me anywhere.
Dont get me wrong I dont get dumped all the time just lately, Im usually the heart breaker, because I am forced to be, cause I dont put up with any kind of abuse.
Its like Im stuck in a loophole with my heart getting caught inside of it, cept little by little i feel Im losing myself a bit more each time.
Damn Im crying. Sucks.
Im off now.
:oops:
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| Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! |
| 12.21.03 (2:31 pm) [edit] |
Finally a new post...
The whole point of me posting is to vent. So be happy for me when Im not posting cause that means everythings ok.
A post is a sign of trouble!
So, alright who here thinks Im happy? Newsflash! Im not.. How could I be? I dont have alot to be happy about. My life is hard and I know I have a choice of not living it this way but as a part of a family there is alot I have to do and a lot that I have to take the responsibility for.
I am 22 and I live at home with mommy and daddy dearest, I work my ass off at a job I hate and I am in constant battle with the person who I am and the person inside whom she wants to become, I havent finished school..the list goes on and on..On top of everything theres also the girl inside who wants to love and love someone eternally and the woman who gets her heart trampled on, crushed, abused, and torn into little itty bitty microscopic pieces!
Im uber happy!
Put on the party hats people! Lets throw a party for happy little me!
Above all else I have to keep everything bottled up for everyone so they dont feel bad or insulted or worried about me. Contrary to popular belief Im not horribly depressed Im horribly pissed off and angry inside.
Think I wanna spend my Sunday locked up in my room sitting in front of a computer..
What I would rather be doing:
Living somewhere new, somewhere far, some place I can call my own.. Making dinner or getting dressed for a really nice dinner with the one I love and having all my homework done, having all my clothes all ready for work, looking around and seeing the things I have earned for myself..Knowing that later on I can take a nice hot shower, slip into something comfy,catch a late flick in bed and get rocked to sleep.
Is that alot to want? Dont I deserve soemthing so simple? Nope not now..
Anywaysssssssss *exhale*
As for the normalcies of whats actually happened since the last post..
Work: Friday had a luncheon at work, got a pat on the back for a good job done..
Family: Moms losing her eyesight a bit but feeling better after two horrific days of seeing her lying around and crying, pushing me away..
Friends: Went out last night and got drunk with my friends and danced my ass off..This is a picture of us from last night
[image]OoLostEntity_11183 10605.jpg[/image]
David,Me,Liz and Alan
Love: Missing and loving and trying to understand and get in there..Tug O War.. Wishing for January..
Me: Who cares about me? Im last on this list.
Enough said, Im out.
:evil:
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| Come on God do I seem bulletproof? |
| 12.17.03 (5:06 am) [edit] |
Top of the morning to ya lads... :lol:
Ok..so Ive been lazy, I'll admit it.. *raises hand* Im guilty. Im always the one to say that when " you give an inch they want a mile"..
I have taken the miles and crossed over to another continent.
:roll: Around the house this week, Ive done.. nothing.
But I vowed to come home today and put all other things on hold til I spick and span the joint
.
And theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnn
Well my mom had her first chemo treatment yesterday,
she called me at work right after she was done to tell me she felt fine..No nausea no vomiting, nothing. Without meds even, shes a hella tough cookie.
Um speaking about cookies..Im super hungry, and thats another problem I have.. Man I gotta get on the ball with my little chub chubs here, or as someone extra special said " Michelin tires" lol..
Up next "hopefully" some Christmas shopping next week, making that new years resolution, next year a temporary escape across the US and into someones arms, a bridal shower, and a wedding, and only god knows what else...
I leave you with a song from my fav band in the whole wide world..Taaaaaaa ta.
[u]:RHCP:
Fortune Faded[/u]
They say in chess you've got to kill the queen
And then you mate it…
Oh I? Do you?
A funny thing, a king that gets himself
Assassinated…
Hey now, every time I loose…
Attitude…
You took a town by storm
the mess you made was nominated…
Oh I ? Do you?
Now put away your welcome,
Soon you'll find you've overstayed it
Hey now, every time I loose…
Attitude…
So divine, hell of an elevator,
All the while, my fortune faded,
Never mind the consequences of a crime
is time, my fortunes faded…
The medicated state of mind,
You'll find is overrated…
Oh I ? Do you?
You saw it all come down and now
Its time to imitate it…
Hey now, every time I loose…
Attitude…
So divine, hell of an elevator,
All the while, my fortune faded,
Never mind the consequences of a crime
is time, my fortunes faded…
Come on God, do I seem bulletproof?
So divine, hell of an elevator,
All the while, my fortune faded,
Never mind the consequences of a crime
is time, my fortunes faded…
So divine, hell of an elevator,
All the while, my fortune faded,
Never mind the consequences of a crime
is time, my fortunes faded…
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| Faster than a speeding bullet!!!!! |
| 12.15.03 (8:16 am) [edit] |
HEY!
I am on a fifteen minute break from work, yes I know its been a while since Ive posted to be honest Ive been rather busy, eating shit, so sue me.
Blah! :P
Anyways, life is alright to say the most.. Moms home and she is feeling good things seem normal they have removed the bile bags and placed some tubes inside so shes mobile and free to do whatever she wants.. She is great while Im working or busy she attempts to clean and everything but none of us will let her.. So she picks up a tad and hey, every tad helps.
At work things are cool I wasnt selling crap but I put on my jets and am in average status on sales at work, so whatever..
Um...so ok..Im typing this so fast I dont know what I started to write this about..
Oh yeah.
Im a dumbass, a screw up, and a moron.. Got any other suggestions?
OK.. so I am going through alot just like Seans Blog says, but I think Im coping ok, I will survive, I will survive, oh as long...oh my bad.
Im still planning on moving but before or after what comes is coming. Dont know it all depends on my heart really. Anyways as for the love dept.. Im totally lost.. So many things are going on I dont know if its the real me speaking or if someone deep down inside is talking for my behalf.. Leave a message after the blah!
Too many feelings, too many questions, too many decisions, someone shoot a tranq into me please! T-minus 4 minutes til the end of the blog.
Well more like one minute, cause I had to do a spellcheck, Im anal about that kind of stuff..
Um..so yeah if anything I'll write later.
Bye Bye :shock:
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| :Audioslave: |
| 12.14.03 (2:59 am) [edit] |
[u]I Am The Highway[/u]
Pearls of swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for the leaving I feel
(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
Friends and liars don't wait for me
I'll get on by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel
(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightening
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
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| I know, I know, I knowwwwwwwww |
| 12.11.03 (4:29 am) [edit] |
Yes another couple days gone without a post.
Well for starters Ive been extremely exhausted lately..I fall asleep everywhere, at work, in my car at red lights..etc..Yeah its pretty bad.
So on Tuesday I woke up, drove daddy to work, came home, jumped on the treadmill for quite some time, took a shower and I went to work.
But the moment I got there I felt like dying..I literrally couldnt stand up straight and I was dizzy and I had gone to the bathroom at work and thrown up a few times. I couldnt go home, Ive already used all my days so I had to grin and bare it, I was even falling asleep during calls. My coworkers were worried about me and came to visit me at my lil cube, I was shaking, I couldnt take any of this I kept repeating, I musta looked like a true psycho..
When work was finally over my mom called me to tell me she was been released from the hospital, so I had to drive a long ways afterward.. Soon as we got home I passed out on the couch for hours..
I neeeeeeeeeeeed sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Wednesday I had the day off, I traded my Friday off so Liz and I could get the day off together.. So first was first I went to the dentist to get a deep cleaning and my mouth was an elastic piece of rubber just dangling there..My mouth this morning is still killing me by the way..
Well alright, dont mind me if I get off the subject right?
Yeah *ahem* anyways.
So after the dentist Liz drove me around cause I was drugged maaaaaaan..lol
We went to a coin store we always go to for things for Alan and my dad, they love old coins, old money, etc..
Then I went and visited some seamstress lady that I had heard from, from someone at work.
The lady didnt want to give me an estimate of the dress I wanted to have made for Lizs wedding, so like a good trooper I smiled and said I would call, and I didnt. I dont have time to play games with people, so alas, we went on a mission to get the fabric and the stuff and I took my business elsewhere.
And this morning (Thursday) I woke up exhausted yet again, and drove daddy to work, when I returned close by home I took the long way just to see the sun rise across the streets, that was the treat in my day I guess..off to the sweatshops!!!!!!
Take Care
:wink:
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| 1010 Nosey People ;) |
| 12.09.03 (4:17 am) [edit] |
Whoa,
I had absolutely no freakn idea so many people would read this thing, some crazy shit lemme tell you.
Well I am honored, really.. :o
So anyways..alas! The same old blah blah blah on the homefront.
The shit is hitting the fan..Anyone got an umbrella?
Eh, it was worth a shot.
So ok, my boss was giving me crap about not doing so well on my sales this month and I came right back at him yetserday at work. I can sell if I want to, I just dont need anyone to get on me about it.
So at work they are passing out available days for next year to schedule for vacation etc. I know I just came back from the west coast not too long ago but Im dying to go back. :cry:, and yes theres a new reason I wouldnt mind that adds to the mix that is just the addt'l bonus, Ive been look for. :wink:
Theres a part of me that grew while I was there and I so long to get back with that feeling again.
The smell, the excitement, of living somewhwere new, starting life over. In a letter I wrote to my ex a week before I left to Oregon I wrote " Im going to live there and NOTHING will stop me". He didnt seem to be thrilled about the idea when I was there and we were talking about it, I guess he believed I was going to move there because of him and that I would be as pathetic as to move across the country to revive something with someone I never want to see or hear from again, so um no . When I went the second time with Liz , I was testing myself, to see if it was all about him, and it wasnt it was about ME. I mean to keep my word, whether it be Oregon or not I am moving west coast. This city is just too big, too violent, too caged for me to live the way I want to.
I am an artist, I always will be. I might go mths without drawing a thing but I feel it in me its something I must tap into for life and express it or I will explode. This nasty city is trying to suck me into it and Im gonna fight back.
Life is now casting me stones to stay away and bind me here... so let it pour Im still coming right at it running.
I am a good person and I know I deserve better, and no one is going to get me the life I want, I know its somethign I can only get for myself. I deserve a good life, a better life. I know this life I want is not here in Florida, may not even be Oregon, but at least thats where I will start..From there who knows where the wind takes me, Im just trying to find some place I can really call home.
God bless my mother, this all must be so hard for her. While shes at a hospital doped up on morphine and pain killers and nasty food.. She knows that without her we are not a family. She is the fortress that keeps this house of cards together.
This translucent ribbon is unraveling rather sooner than she thought..
My dad and I can stick together, Im daddies little girl by the way, and I fREAKN LOVE IT.
But the thought of staying with him and being a single 40 yr old woman living with her father doesnt appeal to me nor does it care to fit in my agenda..I wont leave it like this I will set it up for him the best I can, I just need to sort it all out
As for my brother might you ask.. I plead the 5th.
Nite
:idea:
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| Fragmented |
| 12.07.03 (7:49 am) [edit] |
Life is just a jigsaw puzzle for me right now..
[image]OoLostEntity_44312 0397.jpg[/image]
Everythings right in front of me and I just dont know where the pieces fit..or do I?
I've been trying to figure out here what it is I now must do.. When I got the chance to sit here and actually give
my mind a shot, I get a revelation.. My mind was made up already.
But somehow, for some of us, even though our minds might be made up already, we still pound ourselves with the doubts and consequences our actions might provoke.
Thus the neverending, tormenting, masochistic, cycle begins!
Things never seemed to be equally balanced, something always just a tad bit off, or, frankly tipping the whole scale.... One aspect of life might be doing great and when it is, watch out, for the others about to crumble before you even know it.
I know Im just babbling on, must be the lack of sleep, and for that I do apologize.
As of last nights events here at my home I dont care for much recalling them, whats said is said and whats done is done..
All I have to say is, reading my mom questions about her "Living Will" isnt exactly what I had planned for a Saturday night.
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| Untitled |
| 12.04.03 (9:36 pm) [edit] |
Seems like Im lagging on this journal quite a bit huh..?
Well the truth of the matter is, that when I can write in this journal I do, and when I cant, its just because I JUST CANT.
Anyways, so yeah yesterday was a pretty interesting day I guess.
After work Liz and I went to go eat at Tony Romas, we didnt even order for the first 30 mins we sat there..We were discussing things like my mom, her wedding, work, and love.
Th weddings right around the corner in early February.. and theres some loose ends that havent even been tied yet. Needless to say I am the maid of honor/wedding planner/pyschologist and I dont even have my dress yet!
About the work situation were both stuck in jobs we just know arent for us..as for love..
Well as you all know in my case a constant drama, and in hers, the pre-wedding jitters.. (They'll be fine, they are so met for each other it makes me puke, ..lol..jk).
So speaking of weddings..my mom is a make-up artist and hairstylist for 15's,sweet 16's, weddings, and parties.. SO her big dream was to do my make-up and hair on my wedding day..But we know that wont happen anytime soon..Yeah my mom and I have discussed it.. and she said.. "well regardless of whether I am here or not, just know that that day I will be looking down on you, and I will be guiding the persons hands that is doing the job for me there"..
So here Liz and I are talking about this, and tonight shes calling me on the phone asking me if it would bother me that she only gets to do her wedding in February..
To my mother Liz is like my sister, and she would be heartbroken if she could not do her hair and makeup that day. So of course I dont mind!
Unto today, well, sales are down due to holidays and this morning I almost killed myself again by driving half asleep under the wheel, I literraly got one hour of sleep last night..I knew if I hit the bed I'd just lie there anyways, and I had the greatest company a girl could ever have accompanying me :wink:
So on and off of work.. While I was at work my mom was having yet another tube shoved into her stomach to drain god knows what else, and she begged me to come see her. The hospital shes in is such a long drive from where we live..and not to mention you have to drive through the ghetto to get there.. I went by myself cause my bro was asleep and my dad cant be around her if hes sick..He could alter her condition..
She was so heavily drugged, I must have sat there for about 30 mins before she even realized I was there watching her. She woke and reached for my hand nd I sat next to her on her bed and asked if she was hungry ( they dont let you eat when ur having something done)..so we got this nice nurse to bring her some pudding and some chicken broth..She couldnt sit up so I fed her with a straw and a spoon. The nurse also taught me what to do with the bedpan and etc..
My mom makes friends everywhere she goes, the nurses
give her things she shouldnt have, the doctors joke with her.. It alleviates me from thinking shes there all alone
in bed all day..She even has the nice Haitian lady in the next bed getting up to check on her asking her if she needs anything :) ..It sooo cute.
It was nice just to be alone with her and not sneaking off with her to have a chat.
The conversation got pretty deep and shes starting to want us to make promises.. For me its to go to Oregon, and at least finish school for her.
We got into that again, the whole I want leave you here..She began threatening me with the whole chemo thing and told me to move in March just like things were planned and she would send me notice from my brother or father if she really needed me to come home..
I softly began to cry next to her on the bed, sometimes I push this all the way back there til its just creaking beneath the roof of my head.. And, by the time I realized
I had overstayed 2 hours past visitors hours, the nurses like me and they didnt seem to mind how long I stayed and I drove home as fast as I could..
The kindness that people have expressed to me during this time has given me a new found hope that people arent always as bad as they might seem..and that
maybe we are not so doomed after all..
It was nice to be alone with her taking care of her, shes alwyas taken care of me. Well thats all folks........................
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| Another Day Staring At The Ceiling.. |
| 12.02.03 (6:04 pm) [edit] |
Hey Hey,
Yep, so ummmmmmm yeah.... Whatever you do, dont take a step into this house! We all have a virus, not Resident Evil bad but pretty bad..lol.. My dad has a fever, I threw up twice at work and my brothers on the brink of getting there too..
First off, I just want to apologize to some people for not returning the emails just yet..Im getting around to it I swear!
Sooooooo.....ok..here goes..
The person who thought could never love again was obviously wrong :wink: .. Thank you for being here for me and sticking by me even though I bite back most of the time..Your patience is neverending, the way you understand me is incredible, and no words could truly express the endless gratitude I feel for just having you in my life right now.
Fassssssssssttttttt Fowarddddddddddddddd :oops:
O...k..... So anyways with all these mixed emotions running crazy with everyone I cant really grasp the craziness, going around..
Im gonna lose it I swear..
Hey, but at least the weather is looking up here..Its cold! This rocks..!! There is nothing better than lowering my windows driving fast on the highway with the cool breeze hitting my face and cranking up some tunes..and losing myself in the lights overhead streaming like city ghosts..
Oh and for a moment there I just remembered something, as I walked out to my car last night wheeling the groceries to my car I smelled, sweet, wonderful, glorious pine..and I got ridiculously sad..Its what Oregon smells like after a light rain has passed.. God I miss that smell.. :cry: ..Funny thing is that today I needed to go to the ATM and there was that smell again and I looked around and there I was again..standing next to the douglas firs they sell in front of the grocery store.. Its that time of the year again folks.. Wow so soon right?
Then ...it starts a new year all over again.. Another year gone..
All I want is three things for Christmas this year..
Can you guess what they are?
.... :idea:
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| To Choose |
| 12.01.03 (3:59 pm) [edit] |
Hola,
Well yeah I havent written in two days..I have my excuses alright? The first eve I was too caught up with playing FF XI with a special certain someone that I knowwwww reads this journal so :P.. Anyways, well not much has happened besides the usual blah blah blah..
My moms in the hospital again and she wont be coming out for quite some time.. Shes gonna be an in-patient during her chemo treatments. I told her to do what she thought was best for her and to do what SHE wanted.
So she has decided to go for some chemo and see if it helps if it doesnt seem to help at all she says she just wants god to decide what her fate will be, to let it take its own course..
I for one am not a selfish person, my mom is a great person. She has done and helped so many people, she doesnt deserve this, no one does really.. But Im not gonna be a selfish person and put her through hell so I wont go through the agony of losing her to begin with..Why live if your gonna live in horrible conditions?
Regardless of whatever she chooses to do I will stand by her decision, I will do whatever she tells me to do and I will not question her about it. My family on the other hand is a different matter. But you know what? Its her life and its her choice.
If I were in her shoes Id do the same thing. In the long run it would hurt me more to see her detiorarate into an unrecognizable human being.
I can only hope that she can forgive me for the little pain in the butt I have always been. Her and I are like the two fires trying to blow each other out in the house..
When my family and I went to visit her yesterday she told them to listen to me, that I was now the queen of the house :cry: .. How everyone in the household will learn and take care of themselves because I just cant keep this up alone..I get some help, but a bit more would help would be greatly appreciated.. She bitched to them about the things she knows they continue to do that they shouldnt be doing.
But came today the next day and its as if one thing came in one ear and shot out the other.
She asked me to help her go to the bathroom and I helped her in, where we could have one of "our" talks. She then reassured me that SHE wouldnt be selfish and as me to stay and take care of them. So I have alot to contemplate, Im at work and shouldnt be writing this so Im off...
Goodnight Friends
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