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| TGIF |
| 11.29.03 (12:00 am) [edit] |
Good evening,
Well I got to sleep in a little extra today cause soemone switched days with me.. My morning totally sucked.. I was going into the bathroom when I came across my mom in the hallway and I looked down unto the bile bag (which she was obviously hiding) and it wasnt green but red ( blood)..
Thats when I lost it :evil: .. Its bad enough how grumpy I am in the morning and that I dont talk at all just mumble.. But when I opened my mouth a bomb exploded..NOT GOOD.
I then walked into my room where my brother was and he said "shes not going she says".. and I said "Oh yeah is that what she says, well I can care less what she says she is GOING!". So I ran back down the stairs grabbed my keys and met my mom on the front on the porch and gave her some speech about how the reason we cant cure her is because she waited to long to go to the hospital to begin with. I also noticed some blood on her gown also, which I pointed out to her.. Then I gave her the evil eye as I backed outta the driveway and sped my ass off to work..
No traffic, total bliss....
The day just dragged on and on and on.. Needless to say outta a day I sell more than twenty things.. I only sold NOTHING! Not one thing.. People were just canceling their services for the holidays and I wasnt even trying, I was worried about my mom. Also, lots of our customers are elderly people, and they sometimes just want someone to talk to.. and I dont mind that at all.
My mom called me later and said they were going to the hospital and I was finally relieved, I let go of my tone.. and she was pleased..
So I came home to an empty home today..it was weird and scary, every noise was a burglar..lol.. Can you tell I am not used to be alone at home..um..yeah..
so I talked to friends on the phone while I picked up and washed the laundry, ate some cold food from the fridge and thought about the all things I have to get done..
My dad and bro called from the hospital to tell me mom is staying there for another couple of days, her white cells count is too high..Its now 1:33 am and they've
just come home they've been there since like 11:00 am..Hospitals seriously need to get their s*** together..
Anyways Im off to chat..Time is flying now..Christmas is almost here..wow..
Goodevening All
:oops:
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| Gobble Gobble Day |
| 11.27.03 (9:51 pm) [edit] |
Hello,
Well I started off gobble gobble day late due to my insomnia last night..Sucks!
So anyways, came down and started up the cooking with my dad on our fantabulous Gobble Gobble Day feast..
I got to stab the turkey!! What a major stress reliever! Lemme tell you it rocks!
My mom sat in the dining room and watched us, she seemed quite entertained in instructing us.
I got to make the stuffing this year too (my brother always does it) and helped out in making other things. It all turned out pretty good according to the ultimate stuffing master himself..Me personally? I hate stuffing! Blech!
So anyways here we are cooking and somewhat dancing around and I pick up my mom to dance with her and am surprised to find out shes burning up, so I freak and grab the thermometer and find out she has this high fever! This is not good because she could get an infection due to the bile drainage..and in that case would make her cancer hard to combat by not being able to perform future treatments to "extend" things..So I called up the hospital and they told me that I had to rush her there to check to see if its an infection or not.. We were going to take her and she put a stop to us right there.. You guys dont know this lady she is one tough cookie (this is where I get it from, lol ) and she agrees with "allowing" us to take her tommorrow morning.. Then she goes on to get to a point of crying where she says she has ruined Thanksgiving and we reassure she hasnt and she calms down and takes a nap..The meds kinda give her mood swings from time to time.. So we all decide to let it go,suck it up, and decide to not let this dampen our moods, we'll move on for the time being..tommorow is another day right?..
After a bit Liz, Alan, and David drop by with some grub and some laughter to lift our spirits..Alot of other people had brought us some extra goodies later on..Our fridge was so packed :) ..Later on my cousin and his girlfriend came by with the baby.. Theres nothing better than a hilarious little cutie to make the night a bit brighter.. She was doing all sorts of new things and shes even walking now! It was cool to watch! Heres mami with lil Alejandra and the turkey fresh outta the oven ( with a big chunk of meat missing..hmmm whered it go?).. :wink:
[image]OoLostEntity_97813 189.jpg[/image]
Well after everyone was full and gone is was just my brother and I cleaning up and washing dishes and talking.. I got some Parrot Bay and mixed it with Sprite for us..Its weird to drink with my brother, to think we are now adults and living our lives and above everything having a drink together.. It was fun, besides it made the cleaning a bit less tedious..so when we were done we crashed in the couches in the living room and watched the news..Thats when I fell asleep..
So here I am now..writing to you after Ive crawled up the stairs in exhaustion..barely making it to the computer..
A few words of advice tonight..
Love everyone you can the most you can everyday.. You never know what tommorrow may bring, good or bad. Remember that we only fight with family members and loved ones because we LOVE them. Be happy to be able to love and be loved in return. Love is free and is the most precious, priceless, thing in this world.. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving Day with whomever you spent it with..
Much Love to All and Goodnight . 8)
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| There Will Be No White Flag Above My Door |
| 11.26.03 (9:15 pm) [edit] |
Hello Again All,
Well I didnt write yesterday, to tell the truth I couldnt handle it. Just everything all at once..I guess. The only thing I really was content about was to talk to a special certain someone. :wink:
So lets emphasize more on today alright? Today was a good day.
I got to switch schedules with someone who wanted today off so I actually got a sweet ass schedule til 4. I also get Saturday off this rules!
*Ahem*
So anyways.. I was exhausted cause I didnt sleep till like 4 am yesterday night..So I survived through the work day, then I had to go fix some arrangements with my insurance and stuff but getting there and coming back took me about 3 and a half hours due to the craziness of this crappy city and above all else, Thanksgiving Day. I was literraly falling asleep at the wheel again.. Not good.. But all in all the combo of the first half of the day was good because I won some cool stuff at work..Presents rock!!
So I came home and passed out for about an hour..Until I heard my purse vibrating..Its was a good ol friend that comes around from time to time to surprise me..Thanks for calling me about the whole Thanksgiving thing..your so sweet I really appreciated that.
So after we hung up my mom was begging me for this weird bean puree stuff from the supermarket. People at work who have gone through this told me to get her whatever she wanted whenever she wanted because the meds shes on deprive her of hunger.. So off we went!
Whatever you want mom you got it :lol:
So all in all a pretty typical ordinary day, and I havent had one of these in a while, just a typical day and I am super greatful..
May you all have a wonderful, great, super cali-frajilistic-expialid ocious Thanksgiving Day!
And to All A Goodnight
8)
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| Outta Sight Outta Mind |
| 11.25.03 (12:22 am) [edit] |
G'eve All,
Today's events have been to say the least, "interesting". I didnt get any sleep last night and I went to work earlier due to scheduled overtime.
I kept falling asleep while the customers where talking to me over the phone.. I gave out a ton of credits today, I just did'nt care..
On top of all other things my stomach has been killing me I feel extremely naseous..
Sooo moms home and its gotten all weird again..It looked like she was getting better..Its just weired bringing all these medications and other stuff home.. Its been very emotional here since she walked through the door. It sucks that I cant stay home and take care of her..she has no nurse to attend her..So my bros gonna have to help her. On top of all other things she has these two bags outide of her that drain her bile. So she moves very slowly cause they are painful.. We have stairs, so thats gonna become a prob..The doctor said she was being good and that she deserved to be home this week but on the 5th we have to return her to the hospital for chemo and god knows what else.. I dont like having her at the hospital shes so far away.. and shes all by herself..and on top of that the garage charges us 8 dollars each time we go and I go straight outta work after 7.. so my whole days taken and I need to do chores and errands and try to live my life all at once.. My poor mom I know shes just hanging in here for us.. All I want is to make these last months of hers the best possible..God grant me the strength.
Goodnight
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| Oh Blah Dee Oh Bla Da... |
| 11.23.03 (10:59 pm) [edit] |
Hey!
Havent written since Friday! Omg..I should be ashamed!! Tssskkk Tsssk.. :wink: Soooo Im doing pretty good so far and definitely much better due to someone very special thats been keeping my hopes up lately..(( Mr.Married Not Looking )) lol.. I would kill you! :roll:
Enough said about that..*smirk*
Darn it another sucky Sunday!! Its back to the grind ladies and gents, its back to getting underpaid and being underappreciated, or at least one of both. It seems like the more we work, the less time we have, the more money we want, the more things we want..It never stops we just get greedier and greedier..( Is that right? ) Why do we gotta be so selfish sometimes.. Another vicious cycle I guess..
Been feeling creative, but havent had time to draw..Oh its been months, grant me soem extra time life please.. and ohhhh u know what that means, I gotta be severely depressed to be inspired to draw again..but hey Im great at hiding how I feel when I dont people to really know such as..( insert smiling emoticon here)
The only ounce of creativity I could squeeze was to scan some old pics onto my site..I posted a great pic of mom and me at my 15th birthday [url=http://groups.msn.com/ThePale...]here[/url]....Click in the older pics album ...I was so young... I look so weird too..Time does fly fast.. My moms gonna come home for a while they are releasing her from the hospital for Thanksgiving cause thats all shes asking for..You know how everyones got a favorite holiday, well this is hers.. I mean I know we arent even American or anything.. But we all gotta be suckers for the prefabricated and well marketed holidays dont we??
So yeah guess Im gonna hang around here for a bit.. Maybe I'll bump into the one person Im looking for right now..
Love & Hugs!
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| Where Is My Mind ? |
| 11.22.03 (1:36 am) [edit] |
Whoa its Friday already again..
The past two weeks have been a complete blur.. Ive managed to cut my wrist, lose my work badge, go in late, get written up,gone cuckoo food shopping,made some new friends,break out on my face, and almost kill my fav shirt when I threw it in the whites with bleach.. :shock:
Soooo, work, work was interesting today I chit chatted with customers alot more..and my friend Lisa took me to Chilis for some lunch.. Chilis Rules! :lol:
Um, ok, so yeah I got outta work finally ( the last 3 hrs are dreaaaaaaadful) I messed up and bought Angel Hair pasta for the spaghetti, Im such a dope I guess I just looked at the price and forgot about it.. So we ended up eating spaghetti soup practically, at least thats what it tasted like. So my brother and I ate and went to go meet up with daddy at the hospital.. When I got there mom was in a wheelchair.. and it was a strange sight to see at first I gotta admit.. But I got adjusted pretty quick and wanted to push my mom out on the hospital grounds for a while..So I made fun of how cool it was that she was now my baby..
She then fired back with the embarassing stories of how I always put the cat or the dog in this my little pony carriage and made their lives a living hell..At least until they were to so big they could just jump outta it. :cry: They didnt need me anymore!!! But hey, personally i think the cat loved the attention ( keep telling yourself that)
So we walked and joked around and talked a bit about what was really going on.. We cant in really "talk" in front of my brother and dad..
She told me that I had to live my own life and that they would sooner or later learn how to take care of themselves.. I obviously refused the notion, Im not about to leave her sick here and abandon my brother and father with everything and fly all the way across the United States to start out my life like that. She said she didnt ever need to worry about me much, cause I could always take care of myself. She told me that I was still going to Oregon no matter what.. I said that I wasnt and she said that she would not allow herself to get chemo if I stayed... I dont even know what to say about that..
The doctors say that chemo will "expand" the time she has. I dont know whatever..
So anyways, went to Lizs and we talked about how crazy this has all been and how crazy its going to get.. I love my friends, all my friends, theres nothing more valuable then pure honest love you receive from friends.
So now Im home hoping I can talk to someone about something for things now past due..
Im at a fork in the road again..
Know the way????
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| I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends |
| 11.20.03 (11:59 pm) [edit] |
:x Im sooooooooooo freakn tired!! This sucks! Anyways.. So they finally caught up with me at work and sat me down to write me up!
But before they could do that I asked for the union, having the union rules..Hopefully they will take that off my records. The letter I brought from my moms doctor didnt help at all..They say its only useful in case I was to get fired or something.. Gee golly wiz! Thats a nice thing to be thinking about.. Not.
So on my break I came home from work and called up my insurance, my dentist, my benefits then I passed out to sleep and my dad came home from work and woke me up just in time for me to drive my sleepy ass to work. I swear to you the drive was a blur and I almost got there late.. Gotta stop doing irresponsible shit like that..
I guess I'll never learn..
So I walked outta work and called my mom to check up on her, she didnt want me to go see her cause she said the doctor was gonna give her morphine and well you know how that is..Shes terrified..My mom is a tough cookie and lemme tell you her being scared is frightening as hell to me..
So anyways Im feeling sick to top it off anyways, I feel a fever coming on..My bones ache and Ive been feeling really cold.. So it was better for me anyways.. So I did laundry and I can swear that I dont know where my head is..Im not paying attention to stuff..
Im throwing in the whites and I pour in the bleach and 10 mins later something tells me to open the washer.
So guess what, you know how everyone has a favorite shirt? Yeah well my lovely little "The Crow" shirt was spinning around in there in all the bleach..I freaked and out came the curse words..My dad came to the rescue and washed it and alas! it was saved :o ..Anyways Im feeling like a boring person now..so Im off..
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| Its the end of the world as we know it..I feel fineeeeeee... |
| 11.19.03 (10:11 pm) [edit] |
Alright so I finally went to work.. It wasnt that bad it was more distracting than anything which was good and yet bad all at once. They still havent written me up..So Im just hoping they will forget or something..
So I came home and found alot of the blog users on this site, as well as several online friends have written emails and posts..
THANK YOU ALL SO VERY VERY MUCH!!
Its nice to know that every day I go on thinking how alone I am and then I come home to all of this.. thank you all for reminding me that its just me believing Im alone. Alot of love for all of you from every inch inside. I am greatful to have friends like yourselves..This goes out to all the new ones here to..you know who ya are.
My moms still in the hospital and they still havent told us a time range...or which level its on..So still waiting and stuff.. They think they might release her for Thanksgiving but they arent sure.. Cross your fingers for me :roll:
Hmmm oh yes and then.....
Went grocery shopping again god am I pathetic!! I got confused and knocked myself down for not knowing what kinda steak it is my mom usually buys or what ground beef looked like before I cook it. I really need to learn how to cook whole meals, I gotta get my shit together and quick..My mom woulda laughed at me if she knew.. No one better tell her!!
Sooooo um yeah.. I can swear the food disappears here from day to night..To top it off everyone was staring at me in the supermarket..There were wondering where mom was..So I took my time and when I was done I told one of them what was going on, and I know shes a blabber mouth so I knew once I walked out she would tell all the other employees whats going on. Something I also forgot about was that I also didnt think about me carrying all the bags out to my car either and then in from the house..I forgot I was by myself..What a mission!! :roll:
Trying to think of anything else I may have forgotten..well if I remember anything I will post..
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| Mom has cancer |
| 11.18.03 (5:22 pm) [edit] |
So yes we found out today my mom does indeed have cancer.. I still dont really know what to think about that, it kinda hits me here and there.
The doctors went in to check out the tumor something has spread and regular tumors dont do that..So they cut of a little piece to get tested. But we all know what it is you know..The doctor pulled us aside to a room and told us about the procedure and the preparation of whats to come. The cancer has spread so badly they just sealed her back up and took her back to her room..
So yeah just like that, I know.
Then ppl always ask me why I dont like making too many goals for my future, things always happen.
My only goal was to move to Oregon and start my life again, go to school and move out on my own..As far away from Florida possible.. So now I dont really know whats going to happen next.. I said nothing would stop me, but I never really imagined things could happen like this..
Strangely enough I kept telling everyone, the only way I would stay is if my mom got sick..( Shes always been an ill person, now we know why)..Id jokingly say watch her get sick and then I get stuck here! Now this is definitely not a joking matter anymore. Plus, my prediction bit me hard in the ass. Im not suprised to say the least.
Everytime I think somethings gonna happen for better or for worse it does happen.
So as of yet they havent given us a time frame..so its just more waiting..Calling the tons of messages back on the machine from ppl I have to call them back and tell them "mom is sick".. "Oh wow really? Whats wrong with her why is she canceling, she never ever cancels". I dont beat around the bush cause they just keep asking more and more questions...Then a loss of breath occurs and "Mami tiene cancer" or in english " Mom has cancer" comes out of MY mouth. Even reading upon these words I still cant believe it is me typing them out onto here.
I find myself reading the words of a stranger.
So I dont know what life will bring next..But I know there are going to be some big changes around here..
Wish me luck
Gnight :idea:
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| Lets see what tommorrow brings |
| 11.17.03 (11:03 pm) [edit] |
Hello there all :!:
Well today I drove to work and about to sign in onto the phone my friend told me to just go home..So I did regardless they cant write me up if I dont come in to begin with..So I did the right thing and told them I was going home..
Mom had some test on her heart today, something like sticking some kinda tube down her throat and stuff to see
if she can go through the surgery.. Surgery is tommorrow so thats when they are gonna tell us if she has cancer or not..
*Sigh*
So back to daily life, I left work finally and came
home paid some things off and took my bro to eat some Quiznos with me..
Until my phone rang..My Lizzie was frantic, pre-wedding stuff..So not to get into details she came over and we huddled together with our problems..She talked as I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned..
Anyways..I still needed to get some things done, so Lizzie was on my comp and I was downstairs scrubbin in the kitchen, when all of a sudden.. OUUUCHHH!!!A wine glass broke of a shelf and sliced my wrist..There was blood everywhere! I gashed my wrist pretty bad..musta missed that fat vain by a few centimeters. So now I am typing all retarded and Im being ignored by someone I care dearly about.. I just dont know how I piss people off sometimes.. I just dont know how I do it.. I feel like crap right now I hate it when someones mad at me and wont talk to me. It kills me.
G'eve.
:oops:
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| Sundays Suck |
| 11.16.03 (8:39 pm) [edit] |
But, lets jump back to Saturday..Saturday itself was a mission I was so exhausted I woke up late afternoon and I dread wasting a day away sleeping..Unless Im in the bed with someone of course :oops:. Anyways, *ahem* so yeah ate dinner and off to the hospital to see mom again. Her doctor says that in 90% of his cases where this tumor-like thing is, its cancer.. Im hoping for that other 10%..Everyone here is hoping for the best, but he did dampens my moms spirits of coming home at all..Shes gonna need surgery this week and that also means celebrating Thanksgiving day in the hospital. Later on at night I went to pick Liz up and go see a flick that Muvico said was playing at that theater near her house at a certain time..Needless to say we all piled up in the car as in Liz,Alan, David and I.. and..Muvico was WRONG! Those @%$#! they made us waste our time..So anyways we just left and rented a movie and chilled back at Lizs place..
So now on to Sunday.
Its just like you know the whole weeks gotta begin again..Knowing I gotta go back to work! What a major drag!
Oh, and also... Pardon me for not writing last night, I didnt sleep so I was up all night and didnt feel the need for writing.
Anyways..so um yeah..
Today was quite eventful, despite the fact I crashed into the sofa downstairs at 9am I woke around 1 in the afternoon got up and started sweeping the floor and mopping and dusting and cleaning. Let me tell you it sounds simple but its not. As I loaded the households laundry into the washer I imagined that this is what it would feel like to have my own family and washing all their clothes..what a creepy thought lemme tell you. So now Im home. Got back from the hospital hoped someone woulda emailed me :? ..Im not special!
Boo frickity hoo..
Goodnight!
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| Another day another way |
| 11.15.03 (1:47 am) [edit] |
So my day was alright today I guess.. I went to work, went on break, met my best friend for lunch, and never went back to work :x.
So maybe I might get written up? Like a give a shit! Anyways mayonaisse, as for my moms status its still unknown. We had dinner and all of us went to the hospital to visit her.
Im still confused and in waiting right now. Whats gonna happen? Will this pass or is this when things blow up in my face? Wait wait wait..it'll come soon, it will.
Im really not functional right now..so Im gonna end this on a positive note. I slept great last night thanks to a special somebody.. you know who you are. Thank you for being here for me as I will always be here for you if you need anything as well..
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| And it Begins.. |
| 11.13.03 (11:10 pm) [edit] |
Yeah well another exciting day again.. At least my mom got a hospital room today, shes had to be forced to sleep in the emergency room with all the screaming people and all the chaos for the past two days..Her rooms pretty nice actually..On the notes the doctors wrote she has" yellowing of the skin and eyes" and " a liver disease" but I saw more "still on observation" more than anything.. So no I still dont know what she has.. Or, when shes getting out of there.. I had to call her clients today and all of them asked for her room phone number so I gave it to them..Each time I called her the line was busy. So thats good, that will help her , my mom loves attention. Its just weird to go to the hospital walk into the room and see my mom lying there.. Its MY MOM lying there you know?
Anyways, so at work everyone kinda noticed I wasnt cracking jokes or putting their little desktop decorations in different sex positions like I always do, I was hiding in my cubicle hoping no one would notice me..But they did, and a good friend of mine caught up on it and dragged me to go see "Kill Bill" during my break ..Yeah my break lasts 3 hrs between my shift.. It was a good flick and it was nice to get out to anywhere but that hospital. Then it was back to work again :? .
So anyways I got paid today and poof I can see my money go as easy as it came.. I have to pay the houses utilities and along with other things.. Seems like everytime I take a step ahead something keeps moving the start sign a mile back. Finally free of all my other payments cept for the rent I was gonna begin to save for my move.. So much for that for now..
Strangely enough the best part of the evening was taking my brother and father grocery shopping, they kept bitching we were putting too much stuff in the cart but I know how far my money can stretch.. We never ever do things together as a family anymore and with mom gone, we have to stick together or this house will fall apart. I havent fallen apart yet, just once and a while I let a bit go and I suck it up and continue. I refuse to let this get me down, I cant and I wont. My feet are killing me and I just finished cleaning out the refrigerator and washing the dishes, so I'll be on this darn thing for a bit more then Im off to sleep..
Adios
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| When it rains it pours |
| 11.12.03 (11:25 pm) [edit] |
Its funny how quickly your life can change from one day to the next..Well Ive just come home from the hospital..My mom has been there since yesterday. They said they didnt know what it was, but they now do so so far..They dont know if the mass of fat behind my moms liver (that has caused her eyes to go yellow and her skin tan) is cancerous..Shes lost like 15 pds in the past month.. She slept all night in the emergency room by herself, she didnt want any of us to come, so last night we didnt..
Thats what happens when u dont have insurance people.
All they said as for today is that they will have to operate.. Im worried it might be cancerous, my family is plagued in cancer. So tommorrow I have to go through the answering machine and call back all her clients and cancel her appointments as well as call the whole city I live in so that they all know she is ill, she knows people everwhere!
Whats going on? This could never happen to us! Not to me, not to my family! You never think things will hit close to home for you cause your special. Well guess what? Your not. Sooner or later the time comes when you gotta make a choice, or hang in for a tide of huge change.. Lets just see how long I can keep my arms locked against these waves.
Well Im off to try and sleep, I gotta drive my dad to work early in the morning, then head out to work myself :(
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| A beginning and ending to all things.. |
| 11.11.03 (9:38 pm) [edit] |
Hey There :roll: ,
This is entry one I guess..Even though Im about to quit on this whole shit all together..lol..Anyways..this is my first entry and therefore its gonna hold alotta bullshit..But oh well arent we all full of it anyways?
So I decided finally on creating a web journal and posting my thoughts online for the whole freakn world to see..Doesnt matter..its not like you cant find pictures of me on the web or find my most most personal stuff online anyways..Search and you shall find.. Anyways so much for the first entry..cut me some slack Im still learning how to add a freakn picture on here..Well I'll add more tommorrow when I become more familiar with this
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